How Does Divorce and Separation Affect Children's Relationships with Their Wider Family?
When parents separate, much of the attention understandably centres on where children will live, how they will spend time with each parent and the practical arrangements needed to support them. Yet children often have important relationships beyond their immediate household, and changes to these connections can form a significant part of their experience of divorce.
Grandparents who previously collected children from school, cousins they regularly spent weekends with or family friends who have been part of their lives for years may become less accessible following separation. For some children, these changes are temporary, while others experience a gradual reduction in contact with people who have played an important role in their development.
These relationships can also provide valuable continuity. At a time when family life may feel uncertain, maintaining connections with familiar adults and other children can help preserve a sense of belonging and provide opportunities for reassurance, enjoyment and emotional support.
Understanding the importance of the wider family can help parents recognise losses that children may be experiencing and consider how important relationships might be maintained as family arrangements change.
1. Children may experience the loss of several relationships
Following divorce or separation, children's attention is often focused on changes to their relationships with their parents. However, the practical consequences of separation can extend throughout the wider family.
A child who previously visited their paternal grandparents every Sunday may find that these visits become less frequent. Another may lose regular contact with cousins who were once part of their weekly routine. Where families move home, children may also experience changes to friendships, neighbours and other familiar adults who contributed to their everyday lives.
For children, the significance of these changes often lies in the relationships themselves rather than how adults understand their family arrangements. A grandparent who helped with homework, a cousin who was a regular playmate or an aunt who attended school events may have provided familiarity and support over many years.
Research examining grandparent-grandchild relationships following divorce has found that children's living arrangements can influence how frequently they see their grandparents. These findings help explain why relationships may change even when there has been no disagreement between the child and the relative concerned.
How parents can help
It can be useful to think about the people who formed part of a child's life before separation and whether those relationships have changed. Parents may be concentrating on establishing new arrangements between households without recognising that children are also missing regular contact with other important people.
Children may not always raise these losses directly, particularly when they know that relationships between adults have become difficult. Asking about the people they miss, the activities they previously enjoyed together and whether there are relationships they would like to maintain can help parents understand what has changed from their child's perspective.
Where relationships are positive and safe, small arrangements such as regular telephone calls, occasional visits or continuing familiar family activities may help preserve connections that matter to children.
2. Grandparents can provide important continuity
Grandparents often occupy a distinctive place in children's lives. Some provide regular childcare, while others offer opportunities for play, shared interests, family traditions and relationships that are separate from the everyday demands of parenting.
During separation, these connections may become particularly valuable. Children may feel comfortable talking to a grandparent about experiences they find difficult to discuss with their parents, especially when they are aware that both parents are managing their own emotions.
Grandparents can also help maintain continuity through ordinary experiences. Visiting a familiar home, sharing a meal or continuing an established weekend activity may provide reassurance when other aspects of family life have changed.
A longitudinal study examining family relationships 20 years after divorce found that people whose parents had maintained a cooperative relationship reported better relationships with grandparents, siblings, stepparents and their parents. Although this research cannot establish that cooperation directly caused these outcomes, it highlights how relationships between adults can influence connections throughout the wider family.
How parents can help
Where grandparents have played an important role in children's lives, their relationships deserve consideration when making new family arrangements.
This may involve maintaining regular contact, allowing grandparents to continue familiar activities with children or considering how visits can be accommodated alongside time spent with each parent.
It can also be helpful to speak with grandparents about how they can support children during separation. They may have strong feelings about the breakdown of the relationship, particularly when their own adult child is distressed. However, children benefit when grandparents can offer affection and reassurance without involving them in disagreements or expecting them to share negative views about a parent.
Grandparents may need support themselves in managing these boundaries, particularly where family relationships have become strained.
3. Siblings may have different experiences of separation
Siblings can experience the same parental separation in quite different ways. Their ages, developmental needs, relationships with each parent and understanding of family circumstances may influence how they respond.
An older child may have been aware of difficulties within their parents' relationship for some time, while a younger sibling may have had little understanding of what was happening. One child may welcome changes to family life, while another may feel considerable sadness or uncertainty.
These differences can affect sibling relationships. Some children become more closely connected during separation, finding reassurance in shared experiences and familiar relationships. Others may experience increased disagreements, particularly when they are responding differently to changes within the family.
Where siblings have different living or contact arrangements, maintaining their relationship may require additional consideration. Children who previously spent much of their time together may have fewer opportunities for ordinary activities, shared routines and private conversations.
How parents can help
Parents may find it helpful to recognise that siblings do not necessarily need the same kind of emotional support simply because they have experienced the same family changes.
Allowing each child to express their own understanding of the separation can help avoid comparisons about who is coping better. It is also important to recognise when an older sibling is beginning to take on responsibility for comforting or managing the feelings of younger children.
Although siblings may naturally support one another, older children should not be expected to become substitute caregivers or assume responsibilities that belong to adults.
Where siblings are spending less time together, arrangements that preserve opportunities for shared activities and ordinary time together may help protect their relationship.
4. Wider family members can become involved in parental conflict
Divorce and separation can create difficulties within extended families, particularly when grandparents, siblings or other relatives feel protective towards one parent or hold strong views about the circumstances surrounding the separation.
Although these responses may arise from understandable feelings of loyalty, children can find themselves navigating tensions that extend well beyond their parents.
A child may hear negative comments about one parent during visits with relatives or become uncomfortable discussing experiences involving the other side of their family. Some may begin avoiding certain subjects, while others may feel that enjoying relationships with both sides of the family is somehow disloyal.
These experiences can make relationships that previously provided comfort more complicated. Children may become increasingly careful about what they share or feel pressure to agree with adults whose views differ from their own.
Cafcass guidance for grandparents recognises the difficult position extended family members may experience during separation, particularly when they are trying to support their own adult child while maintaining important relationships with grandchildren.
How parents can help
It may be useful for parents to talk with extended family members about the importance of keeping children separate from adult disagreements.
Grandparents and other relatives can provide valuable support without needing to discuss the reasons for the separation, criticise either parent or ask children for information about the other household.
Where relatives have strong feelings, parents may need to establish clear expectations about conversations that take place in front of children. These boundaries can help ensure that family visits remain an opportunity for connection rather than another setting in which children feel responsible for managing adult emotions.
Children should be able to enjoy relationships with important family members without feeling that they are being asked to take sides.
5. Maintaining relationships as family life changes
The changes associated with separation can continue long after parents establish different households. Moving home, changes to working arrangements, new relationships and the development of blended families may all influence children's opportunities to spend time with extended family members.
These changes can also create new relationships. Children may develop meaningful connections with stepparents, stepsiblings and other adults who become part of their family life. However, adjusting to new relationships can take time, particularly when children are also experiencing changes to established connections.
For some children, the development of a new family household may be welcome, while others may worry that accepting new relationships will affect their loyalty to existing family members.
How parents can help
Children benefit from having opportunities to develop relationships at their own pace. They may need time to become familiar with new adults and children, particularly where family arrangements have changed considerably.
It can also be helpful to preserve established relationships and activities wherever possible. New family arrangements do not necessarily need to replace existing traditions, and children may value opportunities to maintain connections with people who have been part of their lives for many years.
Where circumstances make regular contact difficult, maintaining a sense of connection may involve telephone calls, photographs, messages or arrangements for visits during school holidays.
The important consideration is the quality and significance of the relationship for the individual child. Not every extended family relationship will be supportive, and maintaining contact should always be considered in light of the child's experiences, wishes and safety.
Recognising the importance of children's wider relationships
Parental separation can affect a network of relationships that children have developed throughout their lives. Although attention is often directed towards the immediate arrangements between parents, grandparents, siblings, cousins and other important adults may also play a significant role in children's adjustment.
For parents, recognising these relationships can help identify sources of support that might otherwise be overlooked. It can also bring attention to changes that children may be experiencing as losses, even when those changes appear relatively minor within the wider demands of separation.
Where relationships are supportive and safe, preserving opportunities for children to remain connected with important people can provide continuity during a period of significant change. Equally, respecting children's individual experiences and allowing them to develop new relationships at their own pace can help them adjust as family life evolves.
Understanding the wider family therefore forms an important part of supporting children's emotional wellbeing following divorce and separation.
Research and further reading
Family Ties After Divorce: Long-Term Implications for Children
A longitudinal study examining how relationships between parents following divorce are associated with children's later relationships with grandparents, siblings and stepparents.
Parental Divorce, Residence Arrangements, and Contact Between Grandchildren and Grandparents
Research examining how living arrangements following divorce are associated with children's contact with grandparents.
A study exploring how children's living arrangements and parental conflict are associated with contact with maternal and paternal grandparents.
Further information and support for families
Cafcass – Information for Grandparents Who Want to Help
Cafcass provides guidance for grandparents and extended family members supporting children through divorce and separation, including managing family relationships and avoiding involvement in adult disagreements.
Relate – Relationship and Family Counselling
Relate offers counselling and support for individuals, couples and families experiencing changes to relationships following separation.
Family Lives provides parenting advice and emotional support for families navigating separation, changing family relationships and parenting difficulties.
GOV.UK – Contact With Grandchildren Following Divorce or Separation
Government guidance explains the options available to grandparents who are experiencing difficulties maintaining contact with grandchildren following separation, including informal arrangements and mediation.
Therapeutic support at The Integratis Clinic
The Integratis Clinic provides psychotherapy and therapeutic support for children, teenagers and parents experiencing changes in family life. Our approach considers children's emotional wellbeing within the context of their relationships, development and wider family circumstances.
Please note that The Integratis Clinic is unable to provide therapy while court proceedings relating to the child or family arrangements are ongoing.
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